i realized last night that i've been a bit down lately. i guess that's why i haven't written in a bit. despite my tendencies to be toxic here, i like to think that when i am i have a point and i haven't really had one. and this is a boring enough blog without excessive whining.
so, after abby fell asleep i began thinking i've not been a good mom lately. i've been too busy running here and there and when i'm not, i'm glued to WW and WI and ignoring her. poor kid. and i'm missing lots of time. then, when we're running late, i'm chewing her out because she is "slow-motion-indecisive-girl". and i am "fast-motion-i-have-already-decided-before-you-even-ask-woman" and the unfortunate recipient of the wrath is abby.
in particular the ugly self-realization came at the end of abby's first softball game. it was fun and she did ok, but i was stressed out after work and it was cold and oscar was badgering me and my mom was crabby and kevin pissed me off last week and just blah blah blah. so i was whining to my parents about abby having lost her new $50 softball glove by not keeping track and another girl on the team probably now had it and we had hers because they all look alike but the glove we had seemed way more used than only the 4 times we'd used hers. i must have been loud enough because another mom came up to me after the game to check to make sure it wasn't them.
oh, dear. wicked queen wendy just looked like a bitchy psycho mom. and the other moms probably feel sorry for abby. at the moment i do too.
so, i was awake late self examining my behavior and did make changes this morning. i apologized to abby and said i'd try harder not to hollar if she'd try harder to go a little quicker. she seemed to like that because we shook hands, she got a big smile and we had a good morning.
yes, i know, that's just one morning and we need to make a lifetime of it. but it's a start. and i feel hopeful.
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there's no getting around the human being-ness of it all, and i think you have the right attitude: that no matter what comes your way, you make it a spring board to a new level of self-acceptance and surrender.
don't forget, that for every lesson that you are being groomed to excell in at any given moment, everyone else on the planet who wears skin is busy learning one of their own, whether they realize it or not. that's the privilege of awareness. you can choose to cooperate with your crucifixion, and find comfort in the fact that you are not going thru it alone; that big "G" is right there with that big old arm wrapped lovingly around those shoulders of yours. you are a good person; please don't be so hard on yourself.....
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