Fragile

So I think the best way to describe my present state is just fragile. At times I think I'm just fine, but then very little things can make me crash and burn. Like my sister had a birthday party for my nephew's third birthday last night, and it wasn't too bad. I wasn't feeling bored or merely tolerated. I was wondering if I would choose to hang out with these people if they weren't my family, and I have to admit that I think I would. But then my mom showed up, and after 20 years of abuse, 10 years of indifference and 10 years of forgiveness, I've been really able to handle her. But about the only thing she said to me, was "it's too bad you weren't at church on Sunday, because you would have had more antics to add to the situation with the music ministry." And I'm wondering what's that supposed to mean, and she just snidely says, well you weren't there so I'm not going to tell you.

Now yes, this is typical mom trying to find a way to irk or bait me, but at this stage of my life I've gotten pretty good at recognizing and blowing it off. And, at the time I did do well. I just told her to stop and don't do this to me and then I walked away. But today I'm imagining the worst of whatever must have happened. I feel so very unwelcomed at church now. I called my dad this morning and asked if he knew what happened, and he said yes but wasn't going to tell me anyway. I said I was probably going to find a new church. He said if that was the case my knowing what happened wasn't going to make me want to stay. Oh, he can be so very insightful can't he? Yeah dad, for hitting that nail right on the head. And of course the real reason for my call was to try and guilt someone into telling me what happened. And why? Because I need to feed the gossip too? Because I'm looking for ammunition to do what I want to do anyway? Ultimately, I feel bad for trying to manipulate. I feel particularly bad for doing it so obviously and poorly too, because I'm usually MUCH better at it.

So, that's part of where the fragility comes in. Also at dinner my sister asks me to help HER with something at the salon. (emphasis on her) This is the salon where her new business partner fired me and I've had my ego bruised from that too. So, last night I rehearse this conversation that I hope to have with her partner, but I'm certain it will never happen. Especially since I'm rehearsed for it. But, if I could I would like to say, "You know, you could have just said that you wanted to end my employment and that you think it would be best for the salon's growth because I would not get a discount any longer. But instead of just saying that, you say it's because any skills I have you can get someone else to do. And you go beyond that by telling the staff not to allow me to touch the computer or go behind the desk, which implies I cannot be trusted. And you go even further by announcing to the staff that I wont be coming in for appointments any more now that I have to pay for services. Now certainly, I am not as wealthy as you and your husband, but I didn't sell my soul to get there either as you obviously have as evidenced by your complete inability to be kind or compassionate in any way." But I'll never get to say that I'm sure. And in the meantime, I'll help my sister because I can and because I will feed my ego by knowing there are still some things that I can do better than anyone else she knows.

And I don't really feel any better for knowing this about myself.