Lost and Found

Ah, so, I lost my password to my blog. Not surprising since it's been nearly a year and a half since I've posted anything.

Blogging is pretty much dead unless you're a published author or aspiring I think. I'm neither really. Just someone with a need to write. Infrequently.

Well, the thoughts to post are there, but like many people I try to condense them into 140 interesting characters or a witty fb post. Mostly I fail.

Probably because it takes me about 100 words to even get anywhere with a thought. And it's rarely witty or interesting to anyone but me. But sort of like projectile sharing, the thoughts have to get out otherwise they just bounce around in my head and make me crazy.

And here we are in October 2011 with my last post in May of 2010. I'm beyond insane.

Mostly though, I'm sad. This has not been the happiest period of my life and I don't like it. Since my last post I repaired my foot, changed jobs, struggled through a year with my mom that was more like when I was 12 than anything else and it pissed me off. In hindsight - way too late hindsight - I realized that the last year was difficult with her because she was using me as her favorite target (or 2nd depending on how you rank dad) because she was so unhappy. She couldn't breath, move, sleep or enjoy anything. She couldn't hold a pencil to do a crossword puzzle, could barely hear the boring same old television shows, and couldn't leave the house.

I didn't take it well.

I vacillated between frustration at her unwillingness to work toward trying to feel better and outright anger at being targeted again by her frustration. And I was furious when she targeted Abby. Of course she did. Abby represented me.

But at the end of it all she died.

She's gone.

My mom is gone and despite it all the hole that remains is unbearably painful.

Clearly I'm not the first person to lose their mom. She lost hers when she was 18. Then she lost her dad about 6 weeks later. She had to pay for their funerals. She had to drop out of high school. She missed them every single day.

I got 45 years with my mom.

I'm not nearly as grateful as I should be.

And I'm not angry or bitter either. Because when it was ending. I know she loved me. I know she knew I loved her. And my last words to her were, "Mom, whatever it was that happened in the life before this one that made us be at each other... let's be done. All is forgiven, it's all good now." She nodded.

I love you mom.

I miss you mom.